Wednesday, June 1, 2011
VENDORS: How to Piss Me Off
1. You are a caterer/deli/pizzeria in the heart of frantic mid-town Manhattan on a weekday.
2. I am a bratty, self-entitled asshole who has no time to waste and a bloated sense of importance.
With that in mind, here is a simple guide that will show you How to Piss Me Off.
Get Stupid - If you want to incur my wrath to the fullest, assign your slowest, dumbest, newest employee to answer the phone. Make sure they have NO idea of what’s on your menu, but if they do, let them get easily frustrated and put callers on hold for an eternity. Heavy breathers who can’t move the receiver away from their mouths while they talk to themselves are great in this position.
If you want to piss me off, the ensuing conversation should go something like this:
ME: “I’d like to order one large pizza, half pepperoni, half plain.”
YOU: “So... you want one... half pie? With pepperoni and.... one half half pie? With plain?”
You’re doing wonderful because I already want to kill you. Your uneasy hesitance has formed a visual in my head of you cutting whole pies in half and putting them in separate boxes to complete this order. There is nothing more stressful than the potential for fucking up a food order at the office.
Get Chatty - Basic phone etiquette dictates that all conversations will begin with some form of small talk. It should begin with “Good Morning/Afternoon. How are you today?” and end with “Fine, thanks.” on both ends. There is no room for either party to elaborate.
If it is a Monday and we’ve chatted before, it is fine to add the obligatory bullshit, “How was your weekend?” Again, the answers on both ends should be “Fine.” In certain situations, “Too short!” followed by a brief chuckle is acceptable.
However, we should both understand that these are bullshit questions. If you want to piss me off, please start telling me all about your weekend in gleeful detail. Do this - I dare you - so that I will have no choice but to track you down, follow you home and smack the shit out of you in front of your entire family.
Get Complicated - If I am using American Express to pay, please fax over your “Oh my God There is So Much Credit Card Fraud Going On” authorization form which will require me to track down my busy CEO and get his signature for 72 cupcakes. After I’ve faxed it back, email me a receipt and do not process the order until after I have reviewed and replied to the email. The attachment should be an .xlsowpdx21.lr file that will not open in any program I have on my computer.