Thursday, September 16, 2010

Sidewalk Operating Instructions for NYC Pedestrians

Here is a handy guide for pedestrians in New York City to understand how to navigate our sidewalks

TOURISTS

Tourists of Size: A word about attire first. It should be tight fitting and show as much pasty white skin and fat rolls as possible. Bright, colorful patterns are a must, as well as denim shorts and flip flops.  These will get you to the head of the line at Outback. When walking, ensure that the entire family is in tow. At a minimum, you should walk three abreast at a glacial pace, stopping every 20 feet or so to catch your breath or yell at the kids. You should swing your arms at a 45 degree angle so as to block that much more space around you.

European Tourists: Do not leave ANYTHING in your hotel room, but carry it all with you in an enormous red or blue backpack stuffed to the breaking point. Large, expensive cameras should be out at all times. Walk two abreast, slowly. Smile and point. Photograph stupid things like light poles and squirrels while whispering to each other.

LOCALS

Douchebags (male and female): you should be talking or texting the entire time because you need to project an aura of importance. Do not pay any attention to your surroundings as you walk and text. If you need to fish something out of your purse, make sure you stop suddenly and do so in the center of the sidewalk. Make people go around you.

Construction Workers on Union Break: we need you guys to be a walking roadblock. No one should ever pass. Ever. Ensure that even oncoming traffic is diverted into the gutter or onto the street.  If a woman should some how pass your group, make a derogatory comment about her ass.  If a man passes, make a derogatory comment about his sexual orientation.

Office Workers: walk at a minimum of two abreast, slowly. There must be a very important conversation going on at all times with lots of hand gestures and cliche corporate talk. If there are four of you, the formation is 2+2. If there are five, it is 3+2. The persons in the lead must turn to the people in the back frequently, thus slowing things down to a crawl. It doesn't matter if the midtown sidewalk is only 3 feet wide and cluttered with food carts and vendors.

Elderly: sure, it's great that you're still out and about at your age. Your job here is to waddle unpredictably from side to side without warning as people try to pass you. If the person behind you veers right, you should go in that direction as well.

Children under 10: Break free from Mommy or Daddy and run in erratic circles while screaming. Get a good distance away from them so as to prolong this behavior. Extra points if you can trip a tourist.

Dog Owners: No one is as important as you and your dog. If you have a retractable leash, allow your dog to get at least 50 feet away from you while carving a diagonal slash on the sidewalk. Carry your cell phone to make ignoring frustrated pedestrians that much easier. Scowl, curse or verbally assault anyone who criticizes your ignorance. Allow your dog to interact with other dogs, but make sure to block the entire width of the sidewalk.

Flier Distributors (midtown): thrust fliers out at lightening speed while sighing. Aim for people's faces. Bonus points if you can shove one into a douchebag's mouth.

If I've missed anything, please feel free to leave it in the comments below.

[image via Fail Blog]

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