Friday, September 17, 2010

Pow! Right in the Kisser!

Since will power is not enough to get me to control my eating, I decided that I would run out of the office immediately after the pizza arrived. Our firm provides pizza every single Friday - for the entire firm.  Last Friday, I had more than my share. 

I ordered my salad at the deli and ventured upstairs to find an empty table near the window.

Across from me was a man who looked a lot like Ralph Kramden, but maybe about 30 lbs skinnier. I thought, "Distant relative?" He was some kind of plumber/electrician/construction worker.

It was at that moment that he caught me looking at him. I immedidately turned to stare at my salad.

And then it started.


I was scared that he would say, "What the fuck are you looking at?" 

"What is that?" he asked, motioned to my salad bowl with his chin.

"A salad."

Apparently, this was a rhetorical question, judging by the look on his face.

"What's a big guy like you doing eating a salad?"

I know that I have at least 20-50 lbs to lose before I look my age again, so this pissed me the fuck off. But I wondered, "Was this a compliment? Or a condescending insult?" He didn't look witty enough to be condescending, so I was starting to think this man is flirting with me. Maybe he just needs friends. Pitty briefly crossed my mind.

In any event, I just wanted him to shut up. I shrugged my shoulders and went on eating.

"Sir..." I heard.

His voice was low, especially compared to the noise in the eating area. Also, he was easily on his second can of Budweiser.

I just had to sit in that fucking seat, didn't I?

I looked at him again.

"I'm gonna buy you a hamburger," he slurred. Yep, drunk off his ass. All I could think of was that this guy is going back to his job intoxicated. I hope his job doesn't involve heavy machinery.

I figured that I had to shut him up, somehow, so I said, "I have high cholesterol. I'm trying to get it down." Now, this may or may not be true. I haven't been to the doctor in over ten years.

He shrugged his shoulders and mumbled something about cholesterol. Then he slid another can of Budweiser out of the bag.

"I gotta drink this whole thing," he said to me, as though it was a punishment. Or maybe he was telling me that he had a drinking problem. I figured that I could probably eat this whole salad in the time it takes Ralph to sloppily slurp that beer down.

"I'm gonna buy you a steak," he said.

That was it. I slowly put the lid back on my salad, put the bowl in the bag and got up.

"Have a good day," I said to him and left.


Hamamama said...

OMG, the thanks you get for eating healthy - that's hilarious! But, I'm sorry!!

Hamamama said...
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