Friday, April 23, 2010
The Seven Stages of Facebook
One - You join. You have no idea what Facebook is about. You post a profile picture after much ribbing from the few people you know. You’ll check your profile again in a week.
Two - You have a good little group of friends now. You start posting pictures and videos from YouTube. It’s fun, but you can live without it. You enjoy the interaction with people. You swear you won’t become addicted.
Three – You receive up to 13 quizzes and group requests a day. You are a little annoyed with Farmville, Fishville and Mafia Wars, although you don’t have any interest in playing them. You start getting friend requests from people you don’t know or don’t like, as well as from people from high school you had hoped were dead by now. You are on the fence about adding your relatives.
Four – You discover the CatBook application and create one for your pet. You see nothing wrong in this. The most important part of your day relies on your ability to post a witty status update. You add more pictures and link to more celebrity profiles in the hope that they will see how cool you are.
Five – Status updates help you discover parts of people you never knew existed. There are conservatives, liberals, ultra conservatives, ultra liberals, religious people, atheists, activists, idiots, sluts, retards, intellectuals, “gangsta” wannabes, crazies, shut-ins, drug addicts, sex addicts, liars, thieves, alcoholics, dullards, and blowhards. Everyone is a narcissist.
Six – You are now pathetically addicted to Facebook. You check multiple times a day, or multiple times an hour. Why aren’t there any notifications? Doesn’t anyone have anything to post? Why didn’t anyone comment on that link I posted? Is it broken? Should I reinstall Firefox? Do I need a new computer? You suffer severe withdrawal if you don’t have a mobile device that allows you to check Facebook while away from your computer. You check Facebook right before you leave work, and check it again as soon as you get home.
Seven – People stop accepting your friend requests. No one replies to your comments anymore, and no one sends you quizzes. You become paranoid that everyone is hiding you from their news feeds. You toy with the Delete Account page. You post a self-serving status update that you are done with Facebook forever. You come back an hour later to see if anyone replied.