Thursday, September 24, 2009

The Crazy Stick-Wielding Crack Whore of Chelsea

Larry and I are returning from Bed Bath and Beyond. At the corner outside our building, I see an unruly crack whore holding a bent metal stick. I grimace at her and hope for an out of control city cab to eliminate her immediately.

Crack Whore yells gibberish as we walk into the building. We drop off our bags in the apartment and leave once again to go to Home Depot.

As we get to the middle of the block, I hear a loud bang. It's the crack whore, wielding her metal stick. As she stumbles and shuffles up the block, she hits the street signs with her metal stick. She takes to attacking tree branches as well. With each swing I wish her dead. People on the street stop to look at her, but no one knows what to do. I wonder if she'll start breaking car windows next.

We are easily 50 feet behind her, but since she is walking so slowly, it doesn't take long to catch up to her. I am getting more and more pissed off as I watch her hit a street sign, then another tree.

She needs to die.

Hoping to avoid having her hit one of us with her metal stick, I recommend that we cross the street.

Larry refuses.

"I'm not afraid of her," he says.

Closer and closer we get. She keeps turning around to grimace at us. This is when I notice that she is wearing a horribly matted wig. A rather large opening in the back reveals her nasty brown hair.

She must think the two of us are cops, because she stops hitting things with her stick.

Larry and I pass her and I brace for impact. All sorts of things go through my head.

Fantasy #1 I imagine grabbing the stick from her and having her yell while I toss it in the street. She stumbles after it and is flattened by a car truck semi tank.

Fantasy #2 - I grab the stick and beat her with it until she is nothing but pulp and a wig.

Then there's always this:

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

woah... racist undertones?

Chris said...

No, not really. If you knew anything about this blog, you'd notice a theme to my illustrations. The person who has inspired the rage is called a Shithead. Shitheads are given a shitty skin color. So there. Take your race-baiting somewhere else, Al.

Chris said...

And two more things:

1) Violent crack whores are not a protected class.

2) The stick up your ass is bigger than the one she was holding.