After shoving FOUR slices of pizza into my mouth, I decided, "Alright, fatty, get your ass up and go for a walk."
I left the office and headed to Barnes and Noble, where I thought I'd browse their selection of clip art books.
On the way, every slow-moving tourist conspired to block me. Even the locals were in on it.
I was half a block away when three fat girls spread their fat asses out across the width of the sidewalk, walking slowly and not caring that people were trying to pass. "Hmm, three pigs on parade," I thought. "And they're headed to Fifth Avenue. Could today be national pork day?"
I tried to get around them, but was thwarted by a UPS delivery man coming from the other direction.
As soon as he passed, I raced ahead and deliberately side-swiped the fat pig on the end of the pack. People forget that sidewalks are like freeways: stay to the right - or else.
And then I heard it.
"Excuse me!" yelled the pig.
"Fuck you," I said.
"Prick," she replied.
"Fat fuck," I said.
I got to Barnes and Noble and found exactly the book I was looking for, which tells me that shoving a slow-moving, inconsiderate pig out of my way was well worth it.