Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Weekend Update 2: Beer Garden

Sunday we are up late. This is our "being productive" day and it's off to a rough start. We need to continue working on the apartment, which looks like a frat house is a bit of a mess right now.

Larry is attempting to stop smoking, for the 5,623rd time. The withdrawal is turning him into a combination of Mommie Dearest and Martha Stewart. He wants to clean up the deck and make it ready for summer, but he becomes visibly crazed at the sight of a 12 pack of Heineken sitting on the floor by the fridge (even though it has been sitting there for over a week).

Since our CD player is broken (Larry's fault, not mine), we listen to music on the upstairs computer. Larry is toiling around upstairs with the music blasting while I am downstairs, annoyed that my week of laziness has put me in the doghouse and now I feel that I have to clean up as if we're competing for the Mr. Clean Awards (Manhattan Division).

I go out in the hall to dump out the overflowing recycling bin, slowly closing the door behind me so that it doesn't lock.

This would be the fourth time that I've locked myself out.

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I knock on the door and ring the bell, but there is no way Larry can hear me upstairs. I'd go upstairs and knock, but that door has been sealed off, so I go down to the lobby and ring the buzzer.

Upstairs, the door is still locked. I knock on the door and ring the bell. I start to bang on the door, hard, like I'm being chased by a hungry polar bear. He finally opens it and looks at me like I'm crazy (he's right about that).

Larry is outside on the deck, cleaning up the construction garbage that's been accumulating out there all winter.

I am in the kitchen, loading ten bottles of beer into the salad crisper drawer of the refrigerator. There's a reason they don't call this the "beer bottle drawer."

I close the drawer, satisfied with myself - until I try to open the drawer again.

The drawer is stuck. I shake the drawer. I pull the drawer. I curse the fucking drawer.

With Larry still outside, I think I have some time to fix this before he comes back and finds further proof of my stupidity.

After about a minute, I decide to pull the drawer out, shelf and all. I pull out the left drawer, which is empty, save for some onion skins on the bottom. I try to push the beer crisper drawer through to the other side of the track, but that doesn't work.

Larry walks in to find me in the kitchen with a drawer full of beer, and a look of failure on my face.

This is where things get sticky.

Larry decides to use brute force to get the drawer to open, shaking the drawer as hard as he can.

Fun Fact: If you shake a drawer full of beer bottles hard enough, one of them will start to leak.

"Son of a bitch! Take it outside!"

I carry the shelf and drawer outside, where I turn them upside down on the table. I figure that maybe I can open it that way. The open beer spills all over the table, then onto the floor.

"Oh, shit."

The bottles are even more mixed up in the drawer than before. When I first pulled the shelf out, the bottles were all lined up, but now it's a jumble of green glass. This drawer is built like a tank. There's no way to gently pry apart the track to release the drawer.

"Just break it," says Larry. "We'll order a new one."

Like how you fixed the CD player by ripping the carousel out?

I fetch a butter knife from the kitchen, which proves useless. Then I notice that when I upturned the shelf on the table, I broke off the side button for the crisper control (that no one ever uses). This exposes an opening in the side of the shelf.

I run back into the apartment and find a flat wooden spatula which Larry uses to push the bottles down.

The drawer finally opens, but the smell of beer is everywhere.

With that out of the way, Larry continues to work on the deck while I put the refrigerator back together.

I notice that Shadow and Mr. Patterson are very into this spring weather. Both of them are sitting in the window together and when Larry inadvertently leaves the deck door open, Shadow walks to the open door to peer outside.

God only knows where he'll run off to if he gets outside, so I yell for Larry, just as Shadow gets out. Larry chases him back inside.

Weekend Shopping list
Extra door key to hide somewhere in the hallway
Heineken - cans only!
Door closing mechanism for deck door.

1 comment: said...

LOL! On second thought, u should forgo the family expose and compile a book of all the blunders in ur life. That's some funny shit!