Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Weekend Update: The War on Idiots

Even though my weekend was pretty boring, I did manage to yell at a complete stranger.

Please, click Read More to continue, children.

I'm on my way back to Manhattan after a lazy day of mosaic work and failed TV Guide hunting (three fucking stores, zero TV Guides)

I stop at Dunkin Donuts for coffee and a possible blog entry.

ME: (loud, condescending) ONE LAAARGE COFFEEEE, MILK AND NOOOO SUGAR.

IDIOT: (direct, deliberate eye contact) No...sugar?

ME: NO SUGAR.

IDIOT: Anything else?

ME: Yes, an apple fritter.

I decide that I will eat the sinful apple fritter on the subway, not expecting to see any people. It will be casual carb grazing, followed by sips of shitty coffee, all set to the tune of the soundtrack from the movie Monster.

I run up the subway stairs just as the computerized subway car voice is announcing: "The next stop will be...Astoria boulevard." Because I'm late, I don't have time to meander back to the last car and avoid all the people, so now I'm stuck in a car full of people. Gross, ugly people. There's never any eye candy on the N train to Manhattan.

I sit down and put the fritter in my backpack. I have food issues. One of them is Thou shalt not eat in public places where strangers might have the opportunity to observe your sloppy eating habits and take mental note for later mocking.

The train pulls into 30th Avenue and the doors pop open. A girl gets on, but stops in the doorway. The doors start to close, and she stays put, blocking them with her hooves.

You have got to be kidding me, bitch.

Miss Piggy yells for her friends, who are still at the bottom of the stairs.

"STOP BLOCKING THE DOORS!" yells the crazy man with the apple fritter in his backpack.

Normally, I wouldn't say anything, but I really don't care anymore. It's no holds barred these days. Political Correctness and niceness can kiss my ass.

"You have to get out and wait for the next train," yells an unseen woman.

Others chime in. I have started a revolution.

"GET OUT!"
"Get off the train!"
"Get off!"
"You have to wait for the next train! Get out!"
"Motherfuckers!" (guess who)

I am waiting for them to be physically shoved off, but they eventually give up and squeeze off just as their doofus friends appear at the top of the stairs. They glare at me from the platform - and I glare right back.

ASSHOLE SUBWAY DOOR HOLDERS: 0
ME: 100 (did you think I was going to give myself only one point?)

(click to enlarge)


11 comments:

Anonymous said...

First!

Anonymous said...

You should have thrown the apple fritter at them.

Christopher said...

No don't throw the fritter...always throw the coffee, then go back for a refill...love the drawings (HILARIOUS!)...is this done in Visio?

joe*to*hell said...

so many things to say

firstly: once again, i realize we are twins. bless u

secondly: clearly the idiots are all black. because you drew them that way. but they are the only true-to-color people in here. unless you are a native american and the smurfs were on the train

thirdly: you go to queens wayyyy too much.

fourthly: we are twins.

Chris said...

Christopher -

They are done in MS Paint, believe it or not.

Joe -

The idiots are brown because they are shit heads. The other colors - I can't explain them.

In fact, Joe from the supermarket post and the 4 shit heads in this story were all WHITE!

Shit is brown so (could I go any more backwards into adolescence?) that's why I make them brown. Maybe I'll put little corn nuggets in them next time.

The train conductor is blue here, but in reality she was black.

You just can't get this kind of insider information anywhere else.

I only go to Queens to work on my mosaics. I can't do them in Manhattan because A) no room and, B) shards of glass will hurt kitty's widdle paws.

nikoeternal.com said...

LOL @ no sugar and an apple fritter! The illustration was pure comedic genius A+++++++!

joe*to*hell said...

i want to learn how you mold your shards of glass. teach your brother.

and i heart u for the corn comment. i live for corn poop jokes.

Chris said...

I taught myself how to work mosaics (via internet and books) my blog is www.shardsofglassmosaics.blogspot.com. It sucks because I haven't updated in a long time.

joe*to*hell said...

child, i know all about shards of glass. when i first found your 18 different blogs, i thought that was the only one. and i thought, "why is this mosaic guy all up in my blog" - little did i know you was some sort of multitalented glass man AND ass man

joe*to*hell said...

child, i know all about shards of glass. when i first found your 18 different blogs, i thought that was the only one. and i thought, "why is this mosaic guy all up in my blog" - little did i know you was some sort of multitalented glass man AND ass man

1Letterman said...

I have actually had this same experience on Metro North at the Stamford station.

I made the girl get off the train by saying, "Fatass, the LAST thing you and your stupid fatass friends want is to be trapped on this train with me after holding it up. 'Cause I will make FUN of your fat asses all the way to Jersey."

She looked at me like she didn't believe me.

"OK. Here's proof. The shadow of the crack of your ass weighs 50 pounds."

She thought better of it and got off the train.

I am heartened that you yelled at them. I don't feel alone now.