Even though my weekend was pretty boring, I did manage to yell at a complete stranger.
Please, click Read More to continue, children.
I'm on my way back to Manhattan after a lazy day of mosaic work and failed TV Guide hunting (three fucking stores, zero TV Guides)
I stop at Dunkin Donuts for coffee and a possible blog entry.
ME: (loud, condescending) ONE LAAARGE COFFEEEE, MILK AND NOOOO SUGAR.
IDIOT: (direct, deliberate eye contact) No...sugar?
ME: NO SUGAR.
IDIOT: Anything else?
ME: Yes, an apple fritter.
I decide that I will eat the sinful apple fritter on the subway, not expecting to see any people. It will be casual carb grazing, followed by sips of shitty coffee, all set to the tune of the soundtrack from the movie Monster.
I run up the subway stairs just as the computerized subway car voice is announcing: "The next stop will be...Astoria boulevard." Because I'm late, I don't have time to meander back to the last car and avoid all the people, so now I'm stuck in a car full of people. Gross, ugly people. There's never any eye candy on the N train to Manhattan.
I sit down and put the fritter in my backpack. I have food issues. One of them is Thou shalt not eat in public places where strangers might have the opportunity to observe your sloppy eating habits and take mental note for later mocking.
The train pulls into 30th Avenue and the doors pop open. A girl gets on, but stops in the doorway. The doors start to close, and she stays put, blocking them with her hooves.
You have got to be kidding me, bitch.
Miss Piggy yells for her friends, who are still at the bottom of the stairs.
"STOP BLOCKING THE DOORS!" yells the crazy man with the apple fritter in his backpack.
Normally, I wouldn't say anything, but I really don't care anymore. It's no holds barred these days. Political Correctness and niceness can kiss my ass.
"You have to get out and wait for the next train," yells an unseen woman.
Others chime in. I have started a revolution.
"Get off the train!"
"You have to wait for the next train! Get out!"
"Motherfuckers!" (guess who)
I am waiting for them to be physically shoved off, but they eventually give up and squeeze off just as their doofus friends appear at the top of the stairs. They glare at me from the platform - and I glare right back.
ASSHOLE SUBWAY DOOR HOLDERS: 0
ME: 100 (did you think I was going to give myself only one point?)
(click to enlarge)