Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Weekend Update: Minding Your Business 2

Update: Previously released surveillance image of actual phone call at the bottom.

Fact: My parents have a tenant who occupies the top floor of their house. She's always been a good tenant, leaving notes with my mother to tell her that she'll be away that weekend, or for the entire week. She initiated this habit, my mother never asked her for anything of the sort.

The other day, my mother noticed that her mail was still out in the hall from the previous day, but there was no note. This made her worry.

Mom decided to call her. Big mistake.

MOM: (name omitted), are you okay?

ASSHOLE: Why?

MOM: Because you didn't come home last night. I saw your mail still out in the hall...

ASSHOLE: SO? *click*

I know what you're thinking, Doesn't this girl have a mother of her own? Yes, but my mother is home all day, missing her own kids (who've both moved out of the house), watching TV (and the bad news that's always on) and thinking way too much. She's also a bit of a worrier.

The phone call seemed justified to her because there was no note.

"Look at the letter she left for me," she says, thrusting the letter at me.

Click Read More to see a full scan of the actual letter as well as my analysis.





Here is the text, in case you can't see the scans.

I agree to the courtesy of letting you know when I will be on vacation, gone for entire weekend, or otherwise out for two consecutive nights or more.

But the occasions when I choose to stay with friends unplanned because it ends up too late to ride the subway, or the weather is bad, or it is just plain more convient to stay out are choices at my discretion and I do not feel obliged to keep to apprised of these decisions. Nor do I want to be trekking home at all hours out of guilt just so you see an empty mailbox when get up.

I could like to establish a reasonable boundary. Planned trips of two days or more shall be notified to you. Occasional nights out are to me frankly not much of your business. I am responsible adult and do not care to feel like I must alert you of all my comings and goings nor do I think it unreasonable for your to accept that.

Thank you.


"Wow, what a cunt!" I said, folding up the letter. "So, are you going to write back?"

"No," she says.

The way I see it, she could have said, "On the rare occasion that I'm not home and haven't left a note, please do not worry about me. I am probably having unprotected sex with a goat."

This is how I translate the bitchy little letter:

A) My spontaneous one night stand didn't go so well. Not even the lesbians want me!

B) I am trying to be adult even though I hand scribbled this sloppy note at lunchtime, used the awkward phrase "notified to you," and can't spell "convenient".

C) I didn't sign my name because I don't want this held against me, even though I'm going to give it to you anyway.

D) I don't really care to piss off an elderly, two-time cancer survivor.

E) I get my period on the 10th of each month.



8 comments:

Anonymous said...

1st--
I think your mom should evict her! Carajo esa pendeja esta loca.

Hamamama said...

wow - i think your mom should either evict her or at the very least raise her rent!!! WTF

nikoeternal.com said...

LOL I love the announcement about the surveillance image and the image itself. The unprotected sex with a goat had me lmao, but yeah, unless they talk on the phone daily, I do think ur mom crossed the line eventhough it's nice that she cares.

Chris said...

I told her to mind her own business next time.

1Letterman said...

You DO have to empathize with the tenant.

Who wants to ride the subway home after being target practice at a bukkake party?

vidis said...

mmm, bukkake! i just learned that word this week! i want to go to one of those parties!

Yeah, mama was a little over the top, but sweetly concerned and I think your mum should've called her a cunt, said I hope you do take the train home next time, fall on the 3rd rail and die you fucking whore! Move out! *click*

nikoeternal.com said...

Will someone please enlighten me as to what a bukkake is? O:-)

1Letterman said...

I'd love it if your mom left the following post-it:

You're right. I've been too meddling.

How soon can you have your shit out of here, because I don't want you to feel uncomfortable.

Per our lease agreement, I'll begin inspecting your apartment on a daily basis.