Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Death in An Elevator

It's 9:30 and I'm hungry, so I run out to grab some breakfast. When I return to the lobby, I see that the doors to one of the elevator are still open, yet I don't run. I don't want to be the prick guy that holds everyone up, so I leisurely scan my card at the turnstile and walk through. The timing is such that I can make eye contact with the woman in the elevator as the doors close in my face.

As I wait for the next one, I see a man coming towards the turnstiles. He wears khaki pants, a blue shirt, a panama hat and sunglasses.

"Stupid hat," I mutter under my breath.

And then, BAM! Instant karma! I see the Walking Litter Box coming though the revolving doors. I want to die. I pray for that rare instance when two elevators come at once.

But only one does.

"Fuck me," I say to myself.

I grit my teeth and enter the elevator, forcing by body into the rear corner of the car. Panama hat guy enters and stands in the other corner. The Walking Litter Box lumbers on and faces the TV monitor. I slam the DOOR CLOSE button and hold my breath.

Here is a still from the surveilance video, colorized for clarity.

The elevator goes up and all is silent, except for the screaming in my head. And the heavy breathing and grunting from the walking litter box.

I know that if I breathe in, I will be overcome with fumes and the breakfast I have in my hand will go right in the garbage.

The doors open at 7 and the WLB gets out. I don't press DOOR CLOSE because I want the car to air out.

I take a tiny inward breath and smell something like Lysol. I look at Panama Hat guy, but he is staring at the screen. He casually takes off his hat and fans himself with it. Is he hot? Or did he just catch a whiff?

He gets off one stop before me and I slam the DOOR CLOSE button because I feel light headed now from holding my breath.

Next time I'll just bring breakfast from home.


joe*to*hell said...

its the perfect diet actually. no need to eat - just keep foul people around. kills your appetite. who the fuck needs ALLI!

i love the drawing. brill

cb said...

Have you thought about making a loud, retching noise when he gets on the elevator?

Or you could do what I do-- just make amusing fart noises with your hands during the ride.

Hamamama said...

hilarious -- good thing nobody got on when Panama Hat guy got off - they may have thought you were the one that smelled! Love the graphic!!

nikoeternal.com said...

I must agree, the graphic was awesome.

Hamamama said...

dude -- i came into the building this morning and passed a hunchbank -- he got on the elevator with me and guess which floor he pushed? Seventh! wonder if he shares an office with WLB

Chris said...

All the freaks in this building work on seven.