Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Breakfast of Secrecy

It's another quiet morning in the office. I tell Lori that I want to get breakfast and she agrees to watch the phone.

I go to Dunhill cafe. I wait on line. I am patient, except for when a girl in a white sun dress appears and seems to hover at the middle of the line.

A potential line cutter. You must kill her with your eye beams, Chris. Kill her.

Ree ree ree ree ree ree!

She turns to me and sees my stare. "I already ordered."

"No problem," I say, faking a smile.

A coworker from another floor comes in and gets in line behind a man with a British accent. I love his accent. I declare that all the Brits can stay, but the rest of the tourists must leave immediately.

Oddly, not only does the British man behind me get his food first, but my coworker does as well.

I get back to my desk and unwrap the breakfast sandwich. This one action unleashes a torrent of activity:

- The elevator rings every few seconds and I panic, thinking it's a guest. I can not be seen chewing at the front desk. This is my own rule, hardened by years of abusive retail. But it's also common sense.

- A very cute Latino copier guy comes (when the rest are typically fugly, smelly trolls) and I find myself forcefully swallowing a huge chunk of my sandwich as he gets off the elevator because I would rather die than be caught chewing in front of him. I'm sure that when I talk to him, there is something stuck in my teeth. There always is.

- The shoe shine guy comes with his box, which means I have to stop and send out an email so that I can witness a small parade of coworkers without shoes on.

Popular Science, October, 1937

- A coworker lingers at my desk while I'm trying to eat. I ignore him so he doesn't start small talk.

- The phone rings, multiple times. First it's an annoying vendor, then it's a random nobody asking for information, then it's someone trying to send a fax to a telephone line.

- The UPS guy comes.

I finally finish my lukewarm cold breakfast and everything stops. The phone stops ringing, the elevator stops dinging, and there isn't a coworker to be found.


This is why I used to only eat breakfast if I happened to arrive early. That way, I could hide in a nearby conference room and eat it.

It's the most important meal of the day, but you'd better keep it a secret.


Slinky Redfoot said...

breakfast sandwiches should ONLY be eaten if you have a terrible hangover, to temporarily relieve symptoms.

Love the graphics. Makes it read like a children's story.

ps. see your post?

Chris said...

Awesome! Thank you, Slinky!

Hamamama said...

augh -- that's so annoying...nothing worse than not being able to eat in peace.

btw, was the copier dude related to the locksmith dude from the other day?

Vidis said...

What about the ones who come around and say "oh, something smells good, whatcha got?" and stick their face in your plate!

You've probably seen this already-

Chris said...

I HATE when people want to know what I'm eating, although I confess that I've done that to others.

joe*to*hell said...

seriously, you have MAJOR breakfast issues.....

joe*to*hell said...

seriously, you have MAJOR breakfast issues.....

Chris said...

I also have lunch and dinner issues as well! said...

.....seussi tsafkaerb ROJAM evah uoy, ylsuoires

joe*to*hell said...

niko, i think youre in love with me said...

*giggles like a school girl and alternates writing "joe eternal" and "niko*to*hell* over and over in his diary*