It's another quiet morning in the office. I tell Lori that I want to get breakfast and she agrees to watch the phone.
I go to Dunhill cafe. I wait on line. I am patient, except for when a girl in a white sun dress appears and seems to hover at the middle of the line.
A potential line cutter. You must kill her with your eye beams, Chris. Kill her.
She turns to me and sees my stare. "I already ordered."
"No problem," I say, faking a smile.
A coworker from another floor comes in and gets in line behind a man with a British accent. I love his accent. I declare that all the Brits can stay, but the rest of the tourists must leave immediately.
Oddly, not only does the British man behind me get his food first, but my coworker does as well.
I get back to my desk and unwrap the breakfast sandwich. This one action unleashes a torrent of activity:
- The elevator rings every few seconds and I panic, thinking it's a guest. I can not be seen chewing at the front desk. This is my own rule, hardened by years of abusive retail. But it's also common sense.
- A very cute Latino copier guy comes (when the rest are typically fugly, smelly trolls) and I find myself forcefully swallowing a huge chunk of my sandwich as he gets off the elevator because I would rather die than be caught chewing in front of him. I'm sure that when I talk to him, there is something stuck in my teeth. There always is.
- The shoe shine guy comes with his box, which means I have to stop and send out an email so that I can witness a small parade of coworkers without shoes on.
- A coworker lingers at my desk while I'm trying to eat. I ignore him so he doesn't start small talk.
- The phone rings, multiple times. First it's an annoying vendor, then it's a random nobody asking for information, then it's someone trying to send a fax to a telephone line.
- The UPS guy comes.
I finally finish my
This is why I used to only eat breakfast if I happened to arrive early. That way, I could hide in a nearby conference room and eat it.
It's the most important meal of the day, but you'd better keep it a secret.