Monday, July 14, 2008
Weekend Update: Euro-trash Bash
I almost killed someone this weekend.
Click Read More for details.
Okay, not really. But I came very close.
I get off the train and head for Dunkin Donuts to pick up some coffee for my mother. As I get closer to the front of the line, it occurs to me that I don't have the patience to deal with the idiots behind the counter this morning. They are all so "off the boat," I can't stand it. I don't have a problem with people who have heavy accents, I just can't deal with them before coffee.
So I bail on DD and head to the bagel shop instead. Once inside, I wonder which of the six people clustered chaotically near the register has already ordered. This is where things get tense for me. I want to place my order, but I'm thrown by this lack of order. Why can't people just form a line?
Just out of my line of sight, I see a man approach. Rather than stand behind me, he stands next to me. I turn my head to peek a look through my sunglasses and know instantly that this guy is going to somehow get on my nerves. He wears jeans, a black tank top and pointy boots. He has a greasy pony tail and a lot of jewelry. He epitomizes Euro-trash. He is pictured above.
Before you can say Baker's Dozen, the guy walks up to the counter and starts talking to the mammoth fat guy who works there. I thought that maybe they know each other, but when I hear the words "whole wheat" I know the guy has just cut the fucking line.
"God forbid we wait on line," I say out loud. "I mean, what the fuck?"
"Asshole." I continue. "This is such bullshit."
There is no acknowledgment, no apology. No one seems to care except for me.
The guy ahead of me turns around, sensing my rage. "Don't let it get to you. He'll still be an asshole tomorrow."
This makes me laugh and takes the pressure off. I finally get to order my coffee and leave. I can sense that the cashier is being extra nice to me and probably heard my little rant.
As I walk down the block, I can somehow visualize a fight, right there in the bagel store. It wouldn't be pretty and one of us would end up in handcuffs, the other in an ambulance.
The story on the six o'clock news would be the final indignity: "A man is in jail tonight, following a bizarre incident at a bagel shop in Astoria. Witnesses said the man became enraged after another man cut the line to order a sandwich. A wild brawl ensued and spilled out into the street. As he was hauled away in handcuffs, he was overheard to scream, "Decaf is a sin!" No word on what he meant by that. The other man is in the hospital tonight with a broken jaw and most of his hair pulled out. He is in critical condition."