Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Terminally Stupid

I am speedwalking to the office. It's the only exercise I'll get all day (except for speedwalking even faster back home).

I cut off every slow-moving idiot with a cell phone, Blackberry, or newspaper in an effort to get to my destination.

I'm fast approaching the most frustrating part of my commute: The Port Authority Bus Terminal, where mobs and mobs of ugly, pasty, slow-moving suburbanites stream out en masse each morning, determined to fuck things up for me.

This morning, my timing is off, there is a nice clusterfuck of them waiting for the light at the corner of 8th and 42nd. Once the light turns green, I will be caught up in a slow-moving mass of assholes who have lost the urge to live.

Unless I get around them, I will have to take a detour up 42nd street, with its nauseating collection of chain restaurants, tacky tourist shops and that disgusting Applebee's, which attempts to fool tourists into thinking its part of some grand NYC tradition.

On most mornings I find my way to the outside of the crowd, coming dangerously close to the cars and busses whizzing up 42nd street. In fact, I almost got hit by a cab who decided to run the light after I'd started to cross. I have him the finger right to his windshield.

As I get closer to the corner, I see a gap in the crowd and aim for it. I will wait there and when the light turns green, I will rush out ahead of the crowd and not get caught in the Vortex of Despair, shuffling its feet up 9th avenue.

Suddenly, I am cut off by an enormous tourist meathead who takes my intended spot. I stand behind him, shooting daggers in the back of his fat head. On the other side of the street, I see a white banner, which means there is some kind of bullshit promotion going on that I will have to force my way through.

The light turns green and I mentally scream for the woman next to the meathead to move her flat ass.

I break from the pack and make a run for it, racing to the other side. I land on the curb and see that they are giving out Science Diet cat food samples. I decide too late that I should take some for Shadow, so I have to backtrack and make eye contact with the woman holding the samples in her hand. This is difficult with sunglasses on.

My grip is that of an infant's this morning, so as she releases her grip, the two packets fall to the floor. I scramble to pick them up and realize everything all at once:

I just ran ahead of 50 people to grab free samples of cat food.

I am pathetic.


Hamamama said...

My biggest pet peeve is a family of tourists taking up the entire sidewalk so you cannot pass them. I've learned to walk in the streets of Times Square to get thru that hell...i hate it.

Samantha said...

I deal with the same crap on the east side..first the suburbanites (and I thought I coined that!) get on at Atlantic, and talk like they are in their living rooms (don't they notice all the natives are sleeping?), then they get off at the next stop and you realize they crowded onto your train TO AVOID CLIMBING STAIRS. It's worse at GCT, since intermingled with the bridge and tunnel crowd are hordes of foreign tourists who rthink rush hour is the perfect time to take a picture of the chrysler building, becuase you know they don't have buildings in Europe.

1Letterman said...

Those people at the terminal?

I'm having them all eliminated.