Friday, July 11, 2008

An Open Letter to Starbucks


Dear Starbucks,

Long story, short: Your Pike Place coffee tastes like shit. At first, I didn't notice the change, but looking back, the signs were all there.

- Lethargic personality after finishing the cup
- Not going to the bathroom immediately after
- Frantically trying to make up for it with shitty Maxwell House office coffee.

So, imagine my sheer joy when you pulled Pike Place from it's spot as the ONLY FUCKING COFFEE YOU EVER BREW.

I walked in one morning, desperate for a fix.

"Americano, please," I said, feeling defeated, and wondering how much more I'd have to pay to make up for your pathetic desire to appeal to wimps and tourists. I also wondered when the fuck this "promotion" would end.

And then I saw the little sign hanging around the handle of the coffee carafe: Verona.

"Excuse me!" I yelled to the woman making my coffee. "I'd like a Verona instead." Normally I wouldn't have said anything, but this was different. Something had to be done.

I took my coffee to work, and kissed the cup. People asked why I was so deliriously happy.

"Because Starbucks is not brewing Pike Place anymore!" I said, expecting them to cheer along with me, not stare at me as if there was a tattoo of a black cat on my forehead. I would kiss my cup, as though it were a newborn. "I love you, cafe Verona."

A day later, I would notice that all the Pike Place bags had disappeared from your shelves. Victory?

Not quite.

Over the past few days, I've noticed that Pike Place is still being brewed along side real coffee. And I've learned that you must watch the staff, for they will not ask what you want, but simply start pouring that shitty sewer water into your cup by default.

"No, no," you must say. "I do not want Pike Place, for it is vile and tastes like the liquid that leaks out of garbage bags outside restaurants."

Today, I walked in and asked, "What kind of coffee do you have today?" (I hate having to ask this now)

"Pike Place..." said the bitter sloth behind the counter. (She's bitter because she hates working the register, as I've overheard her complain)

"Do you have anything other than Pike Place?"

"No, we only have Pike Place and espresso..." she said, her voice trailing off.

I started to leave, then I stopped. I was about to say, with clenched fists, "Get rid of that shitty Pike Place right now!" But then I realized how completely psycho that would make me look.

I stormed out anyway, cursing under my breath, but determined to get coffee this morning.

I marched towards the other Starbucks (what neighborhood doesn't have at least two within walking distance of each other) and prayed.

As I walked in, there was no line, as this Starbucks has a crew that actually drinks the coffee, instead of just serving it.

I peeked over the counter to examine the offerings: Sumatra and Monkey Piss.

"I'll have a grande Sumatra, please."

I took the cup over the the condiment area. Question: Why do people think it's their God-given right to hog up the entire table? Get your milk, get your Splenda, and get the fuck out of my way.

Today's asshole condiment table hogger was a blonde girl in flip flops. As I approached, she was bending over to sip some of her iced coffee, leaving the cup on the table, rather than lift it. She was sampling it to see if it was just right.

I rudely reached over Goldilocks and grabbed the non-fat milk container. As I walked away, I muttered, "Asshole," loud enough for her to hear.

In summary, I would ask that you STOP selling this vile, disgusting, Dunkin Donuts quality coffee immediately. Or at least hide it from view when I walk in.

Thank you.

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