Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Weekend Update: A Long Day in Long Beach


Ever have one of those days you thought would never end?

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Sunday -

12:00 - Wake up late, despite last night's vow to leave early and "come back early." Take showers and rush to get to Penn Station to catch 12:45 train. Fail to find eyeglasses, which you're sure have been knocked over by Shadow in the middle of the night. Endure lecture from Larry, accusing you of "throwing your glasses all over the place."

12:15 - Regret last-minute decision to leave sunglasses at home as you head for Penn Station.

12:30 - Give customary scowl at ugly Madison Square Garden's facade on entry. Purchase ticket and head for Starbucks. Head over to milk station to see perverted homeless man sitting at nearby table, complete with an assortment of plastic shopping bags and working camcorder, currently pointed at the people outside on the platform. Note that no one else seems to care, including Larry. Wonder if this may be an undercover cop.

12:40 - Walk to front of platform while scrutinizing each passenger to determine whether or not they might be a "talker" or other type of disruptive troublemaker.

12:44 - Look up to see that the ceiling is actually the now-covered-over glass floor of the original Penn Station. Fuck you, current Penn Station. (The sadness never goes away. It just hibernates.)

12:50 - Silently panic as ticket collector asks whether or not you and Larry are "together." Note that ticket collector does not punch your ticket, and assume this is because Larry happens to be a cop. Joke that there is finally a benefit to knowing Larry. Experience regret at failed joke.

1:00 - Waking up late proves to be a blessing as you enjoy quiet, trouble free ride.

1:53 - Greet Larry's mom. Listen to story about noises in roof and sighting of squirrels. This could mean potential squirrel entry, not to mention destruction of electrical wiring and insulation in the attic. Larry can not afford to rewire this old house, so fuck squirrels.

1:56 - Watch Larry smack the soffit with a broom. Listen to sound of something running around. Sound traveling in opposite directions establishes fear that there is more than one of whatever is up there. Stand back and stare. Watch full-grown squirrel scamper out of hole, run up side of roof and disappear.

2:00 - Watch Larry use sticks to pull out massive squirrel nest of plastic bags and shredded cardboard. Look at large amount of debris in driveway and bemoan having to clean up this sudden mess.

3:30 - Seal up hole via folded piece of aluminum sheet metal. Do not screw or nail into place.

4:00 - Go shopping to Home Depot. Discover strange new world. Almost-empty store full of friendly customer service reps eager to help. The recession and shitty housing market proves good for at least two people. Make sure to remind Larry that we need tomato plants.

5:15 - Hope that lazy cashier fails to scan at least one of the items in your cart. Check receipt in parking lot. Lazy cashier = free tomato plants for us.

5:30 - Return to house to find manic mama squirrel trying to re-enter the now-closed hole in the side of the roof to get her babies. Horrible feeling of guilt and remorse descends. Relief follows when squirrel manages to move sheet metal and enter.

7:15 - Go to Waldbaums. Approach self-checkout and begin scanning and tossing items onto moving belt. Stop throwing items on request from Larry, who fails to realize that you hate shopping for groceries.

Scan several coupons when machine prompts you to do so. Place last coupon in slot at exact moment machine tells you "coupon not accepted." Wave over lazy bitch checkout monitor (LBCM) who looks at the screen and says, "See? Coupon, coupon, coupon!"

8:00 - Bag items as Larry scans the receipt, then yanks open unlocked coupon drawer to find unaccepted $1.00 coupon. Cringe as LBCM begins to yell for him to stop, as he has taken all the coupons out of the drawer to find his. Wait as Larry finds coupon and demands to receive credit for it, while telling LBCM that she has to "wake up." Contain amazement as Larry receives $1.00 from LBCM, only to remind her that, again, she needs to "wake up."

8:45 - Leave for Manhattan.

10:00 - Find "miracle parking spot" in front of building. Unload car under cover of darkness. Hope not to bump into nosey neighbors as sheetrock is loaded into elevator. Front door opens to reveal asshole nosey neighbor (ANN) who asks if we are doing anything "structural" so that he can go running like a little girl to the coop board. Reassure "ANN" that we are simply re-tiling the bathroom, which is true.

10:30 - Get down on all fours and start digging for glasses. Move bag of cat food by front door and pick them up. Tell Larry, "See? I told you Shadow knocked them down," in desperate attempt to be right - for once.

10:38 - Race to assemble 12 solar-powered yard lights. Creep out onto deck and insert into random pots for ghostly effect. Postpone planting of tomato plants until tomorrow.

11:00 - Go to bed. Look forward to work tomorrow.

1 comment:

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