Friday, May 2, 2008

Or, Hold It In Until You Get Home

I couldn't decide whether to call this one "Bathroom Etiquette for Idiots" or "Why We Need An Armed Bathroom Monitor"
Here goes:

Dear Gentlemen of the office,

It has come to my attention that some of you may have slipped and forgotten some of the official rules of Bathroom Etiquette.

So, allow me to refresh your collective memory:

No Talking (aka The Stainless Steel Wall of Silence) - This one speaks for itself, but I think we need to remember that there must be total silence in the bathroom. No work talk, no small talk. This is the most vital rule. Also, there must be no eye contact, unless the person entering almost breaks the nose of the person exiting with the door. A small, "Oh excuse me." is perfectly fine in this situation.

Noise - When entering a stall, quickly, but silently, close the door behind you and lock it. Do not slam it. If the toilet seat is up and you intend to take a shit defecate, do not slam it down. Use your foot, or a toilet-paper covered hand, to gently lower it into the seated position. Remember: no one must know you are there, but if they do, you must pretend to be a ninja.

Release - Look, it's going to happen. There will be inevitable "noises" as you do your work, but violent explosions, punctuated by grunting, moaning and sighing are unacceptable and just plain wrong.

Fumes - If you are not alone in the bathroom and you've just released something so toxic that it could peel the wallpaper off the wall, a courtesy flush is mandatory. However, if you are alone and can successfully leave undetected, then you may enjoy the suffering of the next person to arrive and receive the gift that you have left behind.

Elimination of Evidence - You must remember to FLUSH THE FUCKING TOILET before you leave the bathroom. Same goes for urinals.

Privacy - If person A is in a stall and person B is at the urinal, person A must wait for person B to leave so that A is not later identified by B as "that guy who just took a massive dump."

Hygiene - Wash your hands. If you don't wash your hands, the Hygiene Fairy will come visit you in your sleep and chop your hands off with a machete. So...wash your hands. There is a reason some of us use a paper towel to cover the inner door handle on exit. If you do not have a habit of washing your hands, you are now that reason.

Thank you for your cooperation.

1 comment:

pcsolotto said...
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