Friday, May 23, 2008

The Machine

The last time there was a strange noise in my building, it was fairly easy to track down. I just had to open the front door. And since Jackass on Four and SheBeast have long left the building, we've been basking in the relative paradise of our apartment (save for traffic noise and the occasional fire truck/police/EMT siren).

But as of last night, we have a new battle on our hands. The Machine.

This actually started about two weeks ago, but since it wasn't a constant, I forgot about it. This noise sounds like a sewing machine. Like some crazed Project Runway wannabe is creating outfits in his or her apartment in the middle of the night, in the hopes of someday hearing Tim Gunn lisp, "Make it happen."

Here are a few interesting facts about The Machine:
- It always comes alive at the worst time - in the middle of the night. Never during the day, and never in the evening.
- It is sometimes constant, running for a few minutes. Sometimes it comes in short bursts.
- It will keep you wide awake.
- It was originally thought to be exercise equipment, like a treadmill.
- You can hear it no matter where you are in the apartment.
- It is going to get someone killed.

Last night it started at 3:00 - a.m. It was on and off until about 4:30. In a regular apartment building, you could probably pound on the wall and scream, "Knock it off, motherfucker!"

However, in our apartment building, the noise is coming from behind a soundproof 100-year-old brick wall. Larry tried banging on that wall with a crowbar, which probably only served to chip the bricks on our side.

It was so bad that, at one point, I fell asleep and had a dream about it, where I bumped into a member of the coop board in the hall while he was complaining about the noise to another neighbor. I had interrupted their conversation with my own juvenile reenactment of the noise, and was met with a sigh from the coop board member.

This morning, I counted the steps from my apartment to the elevator (18), when I got to the street level, I walked in the opposite direction to confirm that it is coming from the adjoining apartment building and not the dry cleaner, diner, or health food. It is coming from the building next door.

Here is my plan for revenge/Internet fame/publicity. When I get back from my three-day weekend, I'm going to make sure my digital camera is fully charged and keep it by the wall. When the noise starts up again, I'm going to make a recording of it and post it on YouTube, inviting the general public to speculate on what the source of this noise could be.


Hamamama said...

as i started reading i could not figure out why Tim Gunn was part of the story-- hilarious.

Flame said...

thanks for allowing me to read this.

Christopher said...

You work next to a sweat shop???!!!

Have a great vacation...sounds like just what you need! said...

Tim Gunn says "make it work"

Chris said...

Make it happen, make it work... tomato, tomahto.