Friday, May 9, 2008

Lunchtime Update: Escalator Blocker 3000

12:06 - Take elevator to lobby. No stops, no Walking Litterbox. A good sign. Head out into street. It is freezing, windy and STUPID outside. Trudge across sixth avenue and head for Duane Reade. Since you can only see their "DR" logo, try to come up with other two word combinations starting with those two letters: Depressed Registers, Demonic Retail, Definitely Retarded, Deadly Repetition

12:10 - Head for card aisle to find sympathy card. Note that the Mother's Day section is completely demolished in a tractor-trailer-truck-full-of-Mother's-Day-cards-turned-over-on-the-highway sort of way. Pat yourself on the back that you bought your cards early.

12:15 - Pick out card and head for pharmacy registers. Make detour to first floor since pharmacy register has long line. Wait on line and pray that the two Indian cashiers can handle the four customers ahead of you. Watch "DR TV," which is just one commercial after another.

12:16 - Lack of interest in Duane Reade Club Card reinforced by commercial, which explains that for every $100 you spend, they give you five dollars back. That is the deal of the century right there. And I'm sure there are no restrictions like having to spend $100 each month, otherwise they accidentally "lose" your points and you have to start all over again.

12:19 - Listen to impatient Indian cashier man yell NEXT! multiple times because he can't see for all the displays of candy and junk food in the way.

12:20 - Bring card to cashier. Dormant brain wakes up and you realize that this is the WRONG CARD! It should be "Grandmother" not "Mother." Apologize to cashier and hope she can simply void the line without forcing you to sign paperwork.

12:21 - Rush back to escalator telling yourself, "I knew this was too easy, too good to be true," just as you get cut off by passive aggressive asshole in black heels, fishnet stockings, black skirt, red shirt, an ugly blue backpack, and a blackberry. Walk right behind her and hope she might wake the fuck up and start walking. Hopes are dashed as she turns out to be a stubborn, stupid donkey who would rather talk on her phone the whole time and ride the escalator to the very top.

12:23 - Pick out generic sympathy card, having completely lost faith in yourself to pick out anything more specific than "I'm Sorry." Head for pharmacy line, wondering if the three people on this line will take longer than the 20 or so on the first floor.

12:25 - Head back to escalator and again, be cut off by Escalator Blocker 3000, who is on her cell phone - again. Remember that you have a cellphone camera and fire away.


LH said...

Hilarious -- DR sucks! It doesnt matter which neighborhood it's in -they all have the slowest and most incompetent cashiers. BTW, I totally know the "impatient Indian cashier man yelling NEXT" at the one on 6th Ave!!

pcsolotto said...

Such a nice blog. I hope you will create another post like this.