Thursday, April 10, 2008

Weekend Update 2: Daddy, Please Dump That Caddy

Just in time for the upcoming weekend, here is a late weekend update! My timing sucks.


4:00 a.m. - Chase cat around apartment with water bottle in a futile effort to stop his nightly "running of the house," where he meows non-stop and knocks random things over like books and chairs.

9:00 - Give up on sleeping late, start getting ready for trip to Astoria. Experience massive wine-induced hangover. Thrust empty glass under tap and turn on faucet. Drink three glasses of lukewarm tap water in sad effort to rehydrate.

9:30 - Take shower, get dressed and leave apartment. Note that it is fucking HOT outside, despite forecast for colder temperatures and spotty showers.

10:45 - Go to McDonald's to pick up breakfast for mother, to satisfy her current addiction for Egg McMuffins. Watch cashier get snippy with impatient customer who is ordering by the truckload.

11:00 - Greet mother. Endure laundry list of complaints. She is cold. She is tired. She has aches and pains. Remind her (again) that you are not a doctor.

11:15 - Escape cranky mother telling you that you have no compassion and venture into basement to stare at mosaic project. Motivation is in the garbage today. Hangover persists.

12:30 - Father arrives to go grocery shopping in sad 1979 Cadillac Sedan de Ville. Slump down in front seat, and wonder if the heat is on because it's fucking HOT in this car. Wonder how many people are watching us drive by and blaming us for Global Warming.

12:35 - Father takes Best Yet entrance ramp at high speed, which causes front end to bounce and car to rock side to side so violently that you must hold on to avoid being thrown out the open window (a potential plus, though). Note that 1979 Cadillac is easily the oldest car in the lot by 20 years.

12:36 - Cringe as father narrowly misses sideswiping other, newer cars in lot on approach to his chosen parking spot, which has not been designed for such a massive car. Close eyes as he miscalculates his initial approach and must drive back and forth about ten times to get into spot. Jump out of car as soon as it stops.

12:38 - Pen provided is useless for crossing items off shopping list. Take to stabbing holes in paper instead.

12:40 - Experience strange sensation of being trapped inside old age home as store seems overrun by elderly folk shuffling along and clogging up the aisles.

12:50 - Go through multiple boxes of lasagna noodles to find one that does not have any broken noodles. Carefully place box in cart and watch as father comes over, picks up box, examines it (likely thinking, "These are not Greek noodles!"), then drops it back into cart. Consider killing father in pasta aisle.

12:55 - Encounter interesting duo in bread aisle. And old man with large belly and pants pulled up to his neck and a man in 40's with Mets jacket are shopping. Met's Jacket Guy is reading list of items to Neck Pants. He wants to know if Neck Pants really needs that can opener. Neck Pants replies that the stupid battery operated one died in the middle of opening a can. He could not get it off, so he threw the entire contraption, can and all, into the garbage.

12:59 - See old ex-friend from Astoria. Hide, but then realize you are no longer friends because this is the type of asshole to pretend not to see you.

1:00 - Watch father dart from one cashier to another in an attempt to find the cashier with the shortest line. Curse him as he selects the line your ex-friend is standing on.

1:15 - Escape supermarket and load up car.

1:30 - Hangover fades enough for you to get motivated to work on mosaic project.

5:30 - Wonder why four hours will seem like 4 seconds when you're working on something you enjoy, but an hour shopping for groceries seems endless.


S* said...

"Wonder how many people are watching us drive by and blaming us for Global Warming."

I'm still laughing at that one. My dad used to drive a white 1980 Thunderbird with burgundy velour interior. 'Course, he got rid of that one when I was in middle school.

Hamamama said...

LMAO. Chris, you are too funny!!
No pen - punching holes in paper.
Thanks for the laugh