Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Weekend Update 2: Astoria Makes Me Want to Dye
Step 1 - Visit mother, who will give me a short list, but will then read every item on the list out loud, assuming I am blind and/or illiterate. The three items are: jellybeans, Paas Easter egg dye and Archway oatmeal cookies.
Step 2 - Frown and sigh. Explain to mother that no one will have any Easter egg dye for us stoopid Greeks, whose Easter is about a month after the Catholic Easter.
Step 3 - Grab list and set out for CVS.
Step 4 - Peruse entire store. No egg dye, no cookies. Small overpriced bags ($3.49 each) of jellybeans in candy aisle. Fuck CVS. Imagine that if mother were shopping, she'd cause a scene and ask to speak to the manager.
Step 5 - Head for Rite Aid.
Step 6 - Repeat Step 4, but this time, Fuck Rite Aid instead.
Step 7 - Go to Key Food. Grab five small bags (only 99 cents!) of jellybeans near the entrance. Search cookie aisle. Grab two boxes of Archway oatmeal cookies. Still no Easter shit to be found, despite the fact that Astoria has a large Greek community.
Step 8 - Turn brain to "ON" position. Fuck Paas. The dye tablets are usually missing from half the smashed boxes anyway. Go to baking aisle and pick up food dye. Turn over box and see prominently displayed instructions for Easter egg decorating. Yay Key Food!
Step 9 - Make way over to self-checkout. Notice massive sign that reads, "We would like to wish everyone a joyous Orthodox Easter." Take offense at sign, which basically reads, "Yeah, we know Easter's coming for you stoopid Greeks, but we didn't bother to set aside any Easter crap for you. You should have shopped for this shit back in March."
Step 10 - Fuck Key Food.