Friday, April 4, 2008

Crash Dummy

Last week, I went to the Auto Show, something I have done since 1991. Back then, I'd prowl the aisles with a backpack, a camcorder (the kind with the full-sized VHS tape) and a camera. I have since come to my senses. Thanks to restrictions, backpacks are banned, so I travel light. A digital camera - and my sharp wit.

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6:00 - Arrive at home. Change into comfortable clothes. Black t-shirt, jeans, sneakers, and a light jacket.

6:30 - Leave for Javits Center. Power walk while thinking about how nice it is to go to this event alone. Have bad flashback to the time you went with a friend - who brought his crabby, stupid whiny girlfriend. Vow to never invite said friend again. Have second flashback about weirdo who tried to hold my hand on the show floor at the Mercedes exhibit. Far worse than the whiny girlfriend.

6:45 - Final approach. Notice that no one is in the mood to hurry here. Just you. People walk s-l-o-w-l-y, as though they are cruising for sex in a seedy back alley. Curse about 100 people under breath.

6:50 - Wait on line to purchase ticket. Note that crowd consists mainly of people who enjoy eating - while waiting on line. Attempt to tune out smell of overpriced hot dogs and pizza.

7:00 - Rush through entrance, take off jacket and tie around waist. Pull camera out of bag and turn on.

7:01 - Chunky Ford Explorer America concept vehicle fails to impress. Move on.

Sleek Ford Verve concept causes fit of grinning. Tempted to yell out, "This is what all Fords should look like!" Wish you had someone with you to remind them that, "This is what all Fords sold in Europe currently look like."

Wonder why Hyundai insists on using their stupid undulating, pivoting turntable for the second year in a row. Grow impatient waiting for it to rotate into a position fit for photographing and move on. (last year's photo shown)

At Cadillac, drool visibly at CTS Coupe Concept (95% of what you see here will be produced).

Lean in close to get more dramatic shots.

Begin taking photos of CTS-V sedan and stop. Wait for errant child (right side of pic, in green shirt) to get off turntable while saying out loud, "Whose kid is this?"

Wait on line to sit in CTS sedan. Touch and fondle every surface. Exit car due to annoying lingering onlookers and whisper "gorgeous" within earshot of Cadillac rep.

Blow kisses at sexy Buick Riviera concept car. Wonder how much of these design elements will actually appear on future Buicks.

Wonder why turntable display at Pontiac G8 GXP sedan is spinning so fucking fast.

Note humorous display at Lamborghini exhibit. Two cars. One white car with a model dressed in a scantily clad flowy white dress. One black car with a model dressed in scantily clad flowy black dress. Note throng of horny men split by their lust for the cars and the women. Experience hard time navigating massive crowd.

Stop to photograph massive, intimidating BMW CS Concept. Read stern warning sign on glass, which reads, "Please Do Not Touch Car." Comply.

Note that this model looks a lot like my boss. Wonder what her reaction will be when I tell her.

Debate stealing vases from Nissan table for mosaic project.

Overhear conversation between Audi rep and complete moron who whines about the white color on this car. Revisit vase debate, but only to throw at whiny moron.

Hold back vomit at Chrysler exhibit, which features tacky, blinged-out "Hollywood" edition of the eternally dog-faced 300C. Note (three!) champagne bottles in back seating area as car rotates into position. Laugh. New York City backdrop reinforces the fact that most New Yorkers wish they were Hollywood stars.

Get hand stamped and make way to basement level. Ford Transit Connect cab concept provokes inner laughter, which fades as the laundry list of features are described and you realize that this is just what the city needs - a roomy, functional cab with the ability to tune out both the sounds (and smells) of the driver!

Marvel at two gorgeous concept cars by Suzuki.

Note the strange claw-type rims on this one. It will scratch your eyes out!

Scoff at Toyota's staged display of I-beams on back of Tundra truck. Get up close in order to find evidence of fakery, like chipped paint that reveals the plywood core. No such luck.

You know what? I don't care that I'm not the ideal demographic for Scion. Their cars are God-awful.

Pity KIA and their notable lack of crowds, despite the rather fancy show car on display back.

And finally, if you'd like to feel like crap for the remainder of the day, this is what 300 grand looks like.

1 comment:

Hamamama said...

Hilarious. Love the shot of the kid in green shirt. The Cadi is gorgeous and who knew a Buick could look like a non-family/grandparents car?! And that does look like your boss!! Is she moonlighting? :)