Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Hallmark Has Nothing On You

Dear Desperate Holiday Card Company,

Today is March 25th. Not October 25th. We still are not interested in purchasing holiday cards at this time, no matter how many catalogs you send us.

A quick check of the postmarks on the TWO catalogs that you sent us this week reveals that one was sent on March 18th, and the other on March 21st. Desperate much? If we're getting this many now, how many will we receive in the fall? Five? Six? Twelve?

I know you're trying to make money, but you people are annoying the shit out of us. Also, when "Natalie" calls, I want to slit my wrists because she never shuts the fuck up long enough for me to get a word in sideways. She would make a great car salesman though, as she has that repetitive, high-pressure nagging way of talking that makes you want to throw your wallet at her and scream, "Fine! I'll take the fully-loaded Corvette! Just shut the fuck up! Please!"

Had Natalie allowed me to get a word in sideways, she would know that A) we are not interested in "reserving" cards this early, since that's just sad, and B) we are not interested in using you this season for a few reasons:

1. The card order came about three weeks late, just late enough to cause panic at the office.

2. You dolts told me you had self sealing envelopes after we had placed the order.

3. Chatty Talk-Your-Fucking-Ears-Off Natalie. Enough said.

I would suggest also that you rename your company to "Desperations," or something in that vain, as it seems fitting, especially since the last time Natalie called, I hit the "release" button on my phone (an accident, I swear) to give her a hint that maybe she should back the fuck off.

But do keep sending us free samples, and include envelopes next time. I am trying to save money and this is a good start.

Thank you.
P.S. - Though I've never met Talk-Your-Fucking-Ears-Off Natalie, I'd imagine she looks like the rendering above. Please let me know if I'm correct.

1 comment:

Hamamama said...

YES! i knew you had it in you to go off about something today! thank you, from your most loyal fan.