Monday, February 11, 2008

Weekend Update: Evasive Maneuvers

Some of you may recall my Top 10 List from Friday, where I declared my dread at having drinks with douchebags I don't much care for. As much as I preferred to stay home and lick the inside of my toaster oven, I knew it was unavoidable.

Click Read More to read all about it.

6:30 - Change out of work clothes, leave for bar with Larry.

6:45 - Enter crowded bar. Wonder why bar is so crowded. Realize that it's been a long time since I've been to a bar on a Friday night. Notice semi-familiar face, but do not say anything to Larry because I can't remember the name.

6:50 - Cringe at thought of running into pack of douchebags-I-don't-much-care-for as we approach the pool table area at the back of the bar. Douchebags not yet arrived. Smile, for things are looking up. Consider prayer as last resort to fend off arrival of douchebags.

6:53 - Clink beer bottles with Larry. Beer relaxes brain and semi-familiar face turns out to be Ronnie, friend of Larry's. I like Ronnie. Recommend we go over to greet Ronnie.

6:55 - Realize that Ronnie is more fun by himself than all the douchebags put together.

7:05 - Cringe and curse out loud as douchebag brigade enters. Allow Larry to greet them and follow them to the back of the bar. Declare that I am "staying here" with Ronnie and his friend. Blame lack of available floor space for separation.

7:30 - 8:00 - Meet several new, exciting and friendly people, including one of the bartenders. Discover that none of them care to brag about their money, cars or their properties and actually LISTEN when I talk - a revelation. Wonder if entire evening is some sort of Hollywood dream sequence. Wait for cliche alarm clock to disrupt everything.

8:15 - Follow Larry outside to smoking area for cigarrette, even though I do not smoke. Bump into one of the douchebags, who asks if I've "just arrived," having not seen me earlier. Mumble something in response and laugh. See screechy Tara Reid look-a-like with fugly multi-colored hair extensions causing a drunken scene in the smoking area, trying desperately to get people to look at her. Consider smashing empty beer bottle over screechy Tara Reid look-a-like's head.

8:30 - Approached by "Blah," a stick-thin, hypersensitive vegetarian (and suspected former drug addict) who can get wasted on a single wine cooler. Confess prior bottle-smashing fantasy about annoying Tara Reid look-a-like. Express confusion at Blah's accusation that I'm "such a republican." Realize that after 3 years knowing Blah (via douchebag crew), small talk is tantamount to reversing the rotation of the earth. Initial avoidance of douchebag crew now completely justified. Any semblance of guilt over not talking to them now evaporated.

9:00 - Leave bar. Attempt to trip drunken Tara Reid look-a-like on way out. Apologize to Larry for ignoring douchebag crew. Smile at his thinking they're douchebags too.


Hamamama said...

glad to hear you survived the douchebags. i've been waiting on pins and needles to see how the weekend turned out!

Tara Reid said...

Decaf, you better get a lawyer. I'm suing you for defamation of character!

the real tara reid said...

tara reid, i told u to stop impersonating me! said...

OK u got me, that was me. Thanks for the elaboration, now tell us more about BLAH!