Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Starbucks Closing: Worse Than Y2K

What kind of caffeine lover would I be if I didn't comment on this story: Coffee Break for Starbucks'135,000 Baristas

I heard about this yesterday, and like many others, almost had a heart attack - until I realized that the 5:30 blackout wouldn't affect me. I sighed openly at my desk.

But then I thought, "What about the rest of New York City?" Surely there are other people besides me, right? And, like a horror movie, the frightening premonitions began to surface:

- At 5:25, Starbucks locations all across the city will be overrun by huge mobs looking to stockpile cups of coffee for themselves and their friends. NYPD officers will need to intervene, arresting several hundred people.

- Lost Starbucks customers timidly walking into Dunkin Donuts, overwhelming and confusing the staff, then walking out sobbing with their unfashionable pink and orange styrofoam cups. Lines of anxious, panicked Starbucks customers will tremble in the bitter February wind, wondering what will become of them.

- People working late will have to do without, or worse, try to figure out how to operate the dusty coffee maker in their office kitchens. Panic would ensue as they search in vain for milk, only to find leftover lunches and scattered condiments in the refrigerator. Alarms will be pulled, buildings evacuated.

- A full-scale riot will be sparked at a McDonalds restaurant when a die-hard Starbucks fan insists on soy milk and is given whole milk instead.

- Feral, caffeine-deprived customers will roam the streets in packs, foaming at the mouths, turning over cars and randomly breaking store windows. The NYPD will be in full riot gear, using tear gas and rubber bullets to break up the masses.

Far fetched? Ridiculous, infantile fantasizing? You'll see. Film at 11.

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