Friday, March 7, 2008

Decaf Tech: Make It Stop

Introducing a new feature on Decaf is a Sin: Decaf Tech.

Decaf Tech aims to solve those problems in our society for which there is no current solution. Utilizing the most advanced Fantasy Software available (my sick brain), I will demonstrate how just about any issue can be dealt with, swiftly and completely.

Today's Decaf Tech item is a lovely chatterbox silencer called Make It StopTM. (Click Read More to continue reading)

Make It StopTM is a revolutionary way of silencing loud, obnoxious talkers in any confined space where there is no escape, such as the Long Island Railroad.

Make It Stop is comprised of a series of powerful body heat detectors that scan each car every five minutes, picking up the heat signature of loud talkers. They will work in tandem with security cameras mounted on the ceiling to weed out offending insecure douchebags who only want to hear themselves talk.

If the heat sensors pick up the heat signature of a person's cell phone, a warning beep will go off in the headset of the offending person's seat, alerting them to the fact that they might want to shut the fuck up right now and get off the phone.

Should the person continue to talk, special cell phone jammers will pick up the heat from the cell phone and cut it off. It will remain immobilized until the person exits the confines of the train car.

If the offending person(s) are not on cell phones but just talking as if they're at home and no one else is around, Mode 2 is activated.

Working in conjunction with the cameras and body heat detectors to pinpoint the offending talker, a powerful, yet accurate sleeping gas will then be emitted in their direction. This will silence the offending asshole and put them in a harmless sleep which will last for approximately 20-40 minutes.

Here are some Frequently Asked Questions:

Q: Isn't this unfair to people who have never heard of Make It StopTM?
A: Signs on both the platform and in the cars will alert passengers to this new technology. A multi-million dollar ad campaign will target newspapers, magazines, the internet and all major Tri-State area networks.

Q: Won't this put the train operator to sleep, sending the train hurtling towards a cliff?
A: No. Train operators will be immune from this, as they will wear special Not MeTMbadges, which will cancel out the system as they are collecting tickets.

Q: What if I am put to sleep during Mode 2 and miss my stop?
A: Not my problem. You were warned.

Q: Isn't this a violation of my civil rights?
A: No, but having to listen to you talk about yourself and your pathetic life for 35 minutes straight is a violation of my civil rights.

(This post was inspired in part by my hero, John Clifford.)


Vidis said...

OMFG! John Clifford is my hero too! Rock on John! said...

...and the post-apocalyptic machine-war world of the Terminator is not far behind. lol