Friday, February 8, 2008

Anti-social? Who, Me?

Top 10 Things I'd Rather Do to Avoid Having Drinks with Douchebags I Don't Much Care For

1. Scrub the toilet - with my bare hands
2. Count the grains of litter in the cat box
3. Make out with a homeless man
4. Have my eyebrows permanently removed and replaced with matchsticks
5. Have breakfast with a bipolar vegan virgin
6. Lick the inside of my toaster oven - while it's on
7. Have dinner with Fred Phelps
8. Wash my face with Clorox bleach and a Brillo pad
9. Stroll through the south Bronx in drag, singing "Like a Virgin"
10. Listen to a self-absorbed jackass talk endlessly about how much money they have, what kind of car they'll be buying this week, how they're thinking of cheating on their boyfriend via anonymous sex, and how much they paid (in mind numbing detail) for their sprawling new house. Then ignore me when I try to talk.


Hamamama said...

so you wanna grab drinks after work?

Chris said...

I can't. I'm having drinks with douchebags I don't much care for. But, fear not, as I'm sure I'll have a story to tell.

dave in milwaukee said...

Picking cat turds out of a litter box? No sweat. Scrubbing out a shit-stained toilet with bare hands? Gross, but can be done if there's plenty of strong antiseptic hand soap available. Licking inside of a toaster oven while it's on? Painful, but doable in really desperate circumstances. Scrub face with Clorox and Brillo? Well . . . just make sure you keep it out of your eyes, nose and mouth.

But DINNER WITH FRED PHELPS?!? C'mon! Now you're going wayyyyyy overboard! Nothing--I repeat, NOTHING!--could be worse than THAT kind of torture! (OK, I could see maybe a quick lunch, as long as he pays. But DINNER? I think there's something about that in the 8th Amendment: you know, no cruel and unusual punishment, etc.)

P.S.--Waterboarding, anyone?

Christopher said...

I see we (sadly) know the same people. said...

This post needs elaboration! Who are the douchebags? And why was the bipolar virgin vegan? >:-O