Monday, January 14, 2008


Surely a sign of maturity is a growing hatred for corporate mascots. When you're a kid, Ronald McDonald is a little creepy, but he grows on you. Eventually, you run up to him when you see his cardboard likeness standing next to the register as you beg mommy for a happy meal.

Thank God Burger King didn't have this when I was a kid. I'd be in therapy right now, if not a mental institution. What jackass thought this was a good idea?

Guys, we need a mascot to compete with that smug McDonald's bastard.

Um, what about the king?

What king?

Burger King. Get it? We'll bring the Burger King to life! Maybe get Clooney to do it.

What a great idea! But we can't afford Clooney. Not even David Spade. Have the production department make up a costume based on this hamburger wrapper and we'll show it to some customers. Bribe em with Whoppers and see what they think.

Now, I wasn't there, but I'll bet the initial response was positive (carbs make people happy and agreeable) and so, they rushed it out to the airwaves before they realized that this non-speaking, eternally smiling character had all the charm of a serial rapist sitting next to you in the basement laundry room of your apartment building at midnight.

If you try to run, I'll stab you, bitch.

2 comments: said...

The Burger King is generally acknowledged as the creepiest mascot EVER! I'm shocked they kept him around this long.

dave in milwaukee said...

They've had pretty creepy "King" characters since the late 1960s. An interesting (and bizarre!) history can be found at: