Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Classified 3

It's a new year and I'd like to see if maybe I can stick to one of my New Year's Resolutions. (I find that by having several, I won't feel bad about screwing most of them up) I would like to make new friends. Back in 2006, I joined MySpace, hoping that I'd get to meet some normal, fun people. No such luck. Not even so much as a pen pal.

So, maybe I need to put out a classified ad. Of course, I'm too cheap to pay for one, so I'll just post it here. Maybe one of those 10 clicks I get each week might pan out. Click Read More to see it.

Immediate openings available for one or more friends. I am bored and I'd like my cell phone to ring once in a while. If anything, I'd like a justify checking my email 97 times a day and have someone to send a birthday card to.

Qualities desired include (but are not limited to): lighthearted, non-judgmental demeanor, with some self-deprecation thrown in for good measure, appreciation for gallows humor, and a shared dislike for Times Square tourists. Ideal candidate must be able to discuss books and movies without sounding condescending, must be able to meet for drinks without a three hour subway ride from Harlem. Must be able to talk about anything on the fly and make fun of other people's outfits.

Please do not apply if you are crazy (in a clinical, medicated manner), obnoxious, pretentious, overly sensitive, pushy, jealous, envious, abusive, stupid, boring, needy, clingy, excessively loud in public, or cheap. Those with emotional baggage or involved in ridiculous conflicts with exes or former friends (ie: drama) will be shunned until it can be proved that the conflict has either been resolved, or the persons involved have either moved or died. It is acceptable for you to make more money than me, as long as you don't throw it in my face via pinky rings or fancy cars.

No smokers, drug addicts, alcoholics, snobs, crackpots, thieves, low-lives or stalkers please. Cat haters will be spat on. Couples welcome, but the mate will need to be screened as well.

Current coworkers may not apply (as you will likely vanish should you leave the company).

Please send resumes and reference letters to, or apply below in the comments.


Steven said...

I can't apply since I don't qualify for any quality you've listed.

Chris said...

This post was more about pointing out what annoys me in the people I already know than trying to get someone to conform to a ridiculous set of rules.