Thursday, December 13, 2007

The More You Know About Fruitcake

Yesterday, a gift basket arrived in the office. In no short order, it was ravaged, torn apart. In addition to a small jar of olive tapenade, I helped myself to the tiny, stapler-sized boxed fruitcake, thinking, "I've never had fruitcake before. I'll bring this home and we'll have it for dessert. It looks really good."

A few words of advice for those curious about all things fruitcake.

  • Each serving of fruitcake has 93 grams of carbs. I think that's a month's worth. Maybe more.
  • The second ingredient in fruitcake is "corn syrup", with the first one being "death".
  • It tastes bitter (for all that fruit) and has a disgusting amount of rum.
  • Even if you only manage a few bites before throwing it in the trash, your stomach will be bloated in an unnatural, swallowed-a-brick sort of way the next day.
  • You should always listen to the advice of the person sitting next to you, especially when they say, "That's disgusting. Throw it out."
  • As you do an image search for "fruitcake" on Google, your stomach will churn violently.
  • The resulting bloat will be so severe (and potentially embarrassing) that you will consider filing a class-action lawsuit that will level the entire fruitcake industry, including those who supply ingredients for use in fruitcakes, vendors who sell fruitcake, and anyone who mentions the word "fruitcake", even as a joke.

Below is the actual Nutrition Info label for your entertainment. Click Read More to see it, then click the image to see it full sized.



3 comments:

Steven said...

If the US government wants to eradicate it's enemies, just send them over some fruitcake and watch them crumble in defeat.

Chris said...

And the best part is that we won't have to make any new fruitcake, because there are still decades of old fruitcakes stockpiled all over the country.

nikoeternal.com said...

So the old adage about human aversion to fruit cake is justified. Good to know. :-)