Friday, November 23, 2007

Silence of the Gams

As I put on my coat to run to the supermarket, I heard that evil SheBeast stumbling about directly above me. We heard the vacuum cleaner earlier and I decided that, if we knew that she was doing housekeeping, we would pardon her for the noise.

I pressed the elevator button and waited, bobbing along to the music on my iPod. I watched the elevator stop at 4 before opening on 3.

The door slid open and there I was. Face to face with the SheBeast. I gasped internally, my pulse quickened. I walked in and stood next to her.

"One?" she asked, clearly unaware of who I was.

I ignored her. Why would I put my coat on to go to 2, you stupid fuck? This was my clue that she is as dumb as a rock.

Because she was standing at a 90 degree angle to me, I stood standing straight ahead. When I sensed that she wasn't looking at me, I stole a peek.

The first thing I saw were a pair of black flip flops and this made me hate her even more. This was proof that she does all her stomping around barefoot, like the cavegirl that she is.

She wore shorts, a white tank top, and held a box of Bounty dryer sheets. A clue. She was doing laundry, headed to the basement. That explained at least some of the frantic pacing I heard earlier. I stared intently at her body. How can such a small girl make so much noise? I'm convinced that she's some kind of android or robot, made of metal, wearing a skin suit from the woman that she and her Jackass boyfriend captured and skinned.

I exited the elevator and headed off to Gristedes to pick up cake. When I got back to the apartment, I told Larry what I figured out.

"She's doing laundry. Do we have any bleach?" I asked. He laughed out loud, and that was a relief, because he tends to frown upon my ideas of retaliation.

I fantasized about grabbing her by the shoulders and shaking her back and forth, letting her fat head slam against the elevator wall. I would do this until she was unconscious.

I felt so much better after that. Who says fantasies are bad for you?

1 comment: said...

LMAO.....u should invite her over for coffee and accidentally spill water on her to see if she'll blow some fuses :-P