Exerienced assassin desperately needed for immediate opening in Manhattan. Must have excellent aim and be able to vanish off the face of the earth.
A little about your targets/prey:
Male: White, mid 20s, 5'10 ish, approximately 125 lbs. Looks like a praying mantis and runs like a teenage girl, so he should be easy to catch should there be a chase involved. Extremely stupid and stubborn. Does not make eye contact. Does not understand English, despite serious letters from coop board lawyers, irate phone calls and random shouting from apartment below. May be developmentally disabled as well. Definite drug problem. Horrible taste in music. Likes video games with loud, earthquake-like sound effects. May be easy to lure with an X-box game.
Female: White, mid 20s, appoximately 5'1". Approximately 765 lbs, due to cracks in ceiling, shaking light fixtures and broken lightbulbs. May have cinderblock feet, so she may not be too quick should you need to chase her. May try to knock you off balance by jumping up and down and starting a small earthquake. Has extreme attention deficit disorder and is known for frantic back and forth pacing from living room to bathroom at worst possible times. Aspiring parade float. Clumsy and stupid, with infantile sense of balance. May also be an alcoholic.
Both may be baited with a loaded crack pipe or a fried chicken wing. If not possible to shoot, it would be acceptable to shove both in front of uptown E train at rush hour. All methods of torture acceptable. Job must be performed completely outside of residence to avoid suspicion of long-suffering downstairs neighbors.
Please provide letter of referrence with three most recent jobs. Near misses and client cancellations do not count. High-profile cases and media coverage a plus.
Note: the two creatures have recently been heard procreating, so immediate action is needed before resulting sex produces hyper-active, crack addicted offspring.