Saturday, November 10, 2007

Always Read the Micro Print

Those South Beach cereal bars are going to be the death of me.

Today I visited my mother in Astoria. She needed me to run a few errands for her at CVS. I took the shopping list and headed out.

As I was walking down the food aisle, I saw that they had South Beach cereal bars, so I checked out the price: "$4.15? Screw that,” I said to myself. But then I saw the little yellow SALE sign beneath it. “2 for 5.00? Get out!” I gasped.

I raided the shelf, dumping six boxes of the peanut butter flavored bars into my shopping basket. Those seemed to be the only flavor available, so I shrugged my shoulders and headed to the register, where they still have not figured out a logical way to corral the customers into a single line. It’s always a chaotic little clusterfuck of customers standing around confused, looking at each other for guidance while the cashiers ignore the mess and yell, "NEXT!"

I took out my CVS card and proudly handed it over. Finally, a reason to keep this stupid card in my wallet.

“These should be 2 for $5.00,” I said proudly.

She scanned the box. Beep! “Hmm, these are $4.15,” said the cashier, looking at the next cashier for guidance.

“There’s a sign on the shelf,” I said, convinced that she would just override the price and send me on my way.

The cashier on the register next to her chimed in. “Maybe that’s an old sign. Can you go get the sign?” said the old hag with the dirty gray hair.

“Why the fuck do I have to do this?” I muttered as I walked through the cluster of waiting customers, as if I'd just been sent to slaughter a goat.

I looked for the sign, ready to rip it off and bring it to the cashier like my captured prey.

I found it and read the microscopic print, designed to fool and confuse people like me: “Cinnamon raisin only.”


I stormed back to the cashier, defeated, embarrassed, and pissed off.
“Looks like it’s just cinnamon raisin that’s on sale, not the peanut butter. It’s kind of stupid to put just one flavor on sale, don’t you think?”

“Maybe a lot of people like that one,” chimed in sea hag cashier, with a tone that said, “Calm down or we’ll call the police.”

But I wasn’t going to let her have the last word.
"Well, at my supermarket, all the flavors go on sale at the same time. This is just stupid. Now you’ll have to put these on sale because you have so many of them.”

And with that, I abandoned twelve years of retail experience and morphed into the condescending, snotty customer they’ll later refer to as, “That annoying jackass with the South Beach bars.”

“I don’t want those anymore,” I said, as if they were naughty children who would now be returned to the animal shelter orphanage. I took my purchase and left, no doubt to the relief of the line behind me. I went back to my mother’s house and fell off my diet to the tune of two slices of pizza, crust and all.

1 comment: said...

lol ur such a betch! lol and 2 slices of pizza cause u couldnt get what u wanted! ur a baby betch! lol always read the fine print....including the sale dates!